my friends are back in town and i have not eaten all day except for three glasses of orange juice, two chicken wings and an m&m cookie. i’m thinking about letting my hair grow out again, my trademark long and stringy. i was in a good mood yesterday, i ate a lot of grapes and didn’t spend too much money, but then emily said ten months and ran to the closet to cry. we took her dog out in the back field to run around. i hadn’t been back there in a few months. it was dark and raining and i was drunk or else i might have seen him everywhere, hanging from a tree in his underwear, catching me in a trust fall.

i’ve been cruel throughout this ordeal but it’s gone so far this month and i keep taking advantage of the unconditional love my friends and family and i have for one another. it’s not fair but i don’t have the will to stop. life and things in general is too much work.

sometimes i whisper to myself “i love you i miss you i love you i miss you” over and over, to remind myself to feel those things and not move forward. how do we be our true selves or the people we want to be without a dose of him now and then. it’s not fair at all, it’s like the whirpools we used to make in andrews pool, the water carries you forward and i’m trying so hard to be a stick in the mud by lying naked in bed all day inflicting pain upon myself but everything else around me moves forward. i find myself crying out of habit rather than because i miss the way his face would scrunch up after a swig of hard liquor stolen from his dead grandfathers supply in the attic over the garage. dead.

why did he get to be the lucky one, lived a perfect little life in a yellow house with dormer windows. we used to sit between them in our pj’s and smoke cigarettes. why does the pain have to fade, why is death so final and the only way i can keep loving him now is by lying in my stagnant room all day. i pour out love on him by destroying my own life. to be miserable is just.

i keep burning the candle that smells like october and sickeningly sweet, late at night, and my window is broken so no fresh air seeps in. ten months. i need advice and wisdom but you were the one i always went to for that stuff.

this morning my friends and i sat cross legged on a bed and decided to go to the philippines this summer instead of our east coast road trip. disappointed but not surprised. i wanted to be cramped up in a shitty car for the month of august with my best friends in my own country, i wanted the trip to scream you. i wanted to stand at the edge of a cliff on cape breton island and think only one though: i wish you were here. in high school we used to joke about going to the philppines every now and then so i hope it screams you. i hope the planes and the beaches become my wish you were here.